...She moves in mysterious ways...
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Thursday, April 7, 2005
My journal is friends only. If you'd like to know a little more about me before adding me, check out my user info.
My journal is my own personal reflection space, and though I enjoy having people read and comment, I don't want anyone being disrespectful, mean or judgemental. If you're only adding people to have a lot of friends on your list or if you like to start trouble with strangers, please don't bother adding me. I just want a cool space where I can vent to like-minded people.
1:26AM
American Idol...the sick, sad obsession continues. When I get off the phone with someone just so I can concentrate on a show there's a problem. I was hoping Scott would get the boot tonight. I can't stand him! That's all I'll say about that. I don't want to bore anyone with my reality t.v ramblings.
Any LOST fans out there? Damn that's a good show. I wonder if the writers are just constantly tripping on acid when they sit down to write the scripts? Do they make the shit up as they go along and hope they can eventually tie it all together? It's crazy. I love it.
I ran into a girl I went to high school with today. Very odd. I hadn't seen her since my freshman year. I went to an all girls private school my freshman year and I absolutely hated it. So my mom let me transfer my sophmore year. This girl and I were actually pretty good friends until a few of the other girls we hung out with decided it would be cool to gang up on me in the lunch room and rip me a new one. I can't even remember why but I think it had something to do with some guy. Isn't that what it always comes down to in high school? I won't tell my high school sob story. It was funny to see her. I wanted to say something but I wasn't sure if she remembered me and didn't want to look like a jackass so I just kept my trap shut.
I had a dream about one of my ex boyfriend's a few nights ago and then had the same dream last night. I have no clue why. I haven't seen him in years and don't even think about him. All of a sudden there he was in my dream. I don't even remember all of the dream details. I just remember he was in it. I woke up thinking "What the hell was that about?". Very, very strange.
There seems to be a rash of lj/gj fakers lately. I've had two on my list so far and a friend of mine who has a gj account has had 3 in the past few months. I just don't get it. It's a journal! It's beyond me why anyone would want to fake their life. If it's a looks issue, why post pictures? I don't post pictures besides my icon. I would be angry and think these people were pathetic but I really just feel bad for them. I can only imagine what a terrible self image they must have to do something like that. Or maybe it's just for fun? I don't know. It's crazy to me.
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
11:43PM
How can I possibly love reality t.v and hate it with a burning passion at the same time? Seriously, reality t.v makes me sick but I watch it constantly. I'm just so unhealthy. LOL.
I need a job. I am so sick of sitting around. I'm terribly lazy but at some point it just gets to be too much and I just NEED to do something with myself. I am torn though. Jared and I have been trying for a baby for the past 2 months and I don't think I want to start a job that I'm going to have to leave in 8 months. But at the same time extra money is always good and I feel like I need to have a job for my own sanity. I need to feel like I'm contributing to the household. I'm crazy sometimes. I don't know what I want.
I think I'm starting to lose all respect for my dad and my step mother. It's a very long and drawn out story and so much has happened in the past year, but here's the gist...
*Last June I got married
*The day my hubby and I get back from honeymoon my dad tells me, my brother, and my two half sisters that we have another sister. This other sister is a product of an affair my dad had while he was with my mother and this other sister is now 19.
*My dad and step mother announce their divorce.
*Dad tries to committ suicide.
*I go on a tirade and cut off all communication with them for a few months.
That's all happened in the last year. I feel like I should be toothless and on Jerry Springer.
So my dad is living on his own now and though we've patched things up, for the most part, I still have a lot of anger towards him. Recently he's been overshare mode and has told me that he and my step mother are still going on dates and being "marital". The funny thing is, they talk so much shit on eachother and when my step mother is with me she constantly talks about how she's so glad to be rid of my dad. It's all so bizarre and for some reason they feel the need to put me in the middle of it all. I'm finding it more and more difficult to have respect for people who don't know what they want and who don't mind involving their children in their ridiculous games. It's starting to effect my two half sisters who are 6 and 15.
The whole situation is very upsetting. There's so much more to it all. I could sit here all night listing off everything that's happened and every problem. I just feel helpless because there's nothing I can do. There;s nothing I can say that will make a bit of difference. All I can do is try to be there for everyone, mostly my sisters, and hope this blows over quickly.
Bah! What a mess! Someone take me back to the days when my biggest concern was what I was going to wear to school.
Monday, April 4, 2005
1:43PM
The weather here is AMAZING!!! It's in the high 70's without a cloud in the sky. It's perfect! I feel like such a bum being in side. I should be out frolicing in the park or something.
I've been a bit of a social reject lately. I've lived in KC my entire life and I love it here, but when I was 18 I moved to Lawrence, KS for college (Home of the University of Kansas for all those who don't know). Life in Lawrence was completely different. There was always something going on. I had no problem making friends literally all the time. It was so easy. I never had a problem going out and finding something to do. My husband and I moved back to KC last year and got married. Most of my friends have graduated and moved on, out of state. There are a few that still live in Lawrence and one that moved here to KC, but that's about it. I'm a pretty outgoing person and I'm easy to get along with. It just seems hard to meet people and make friends. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I reread all of that and realized I sound like a major nerd. LOL. I think part of my problem is that I'm married and I'm kind of over the partying every weekend. I like to go out, but not al the time. Sometimes just going to a movie or having people over for dinner is my idea of a fun weekend.
This weekend was fun though. I got off my ass Saturda and went out with a few friends. I'm such an observer at bars. The people watching is awesome. There was a chick who was nursing the same Bud Light for over an hour but every time she was talking to a hot guy she acted like she was completely wasted! She would stumble all over the place, be really flirty in that "I'm drunk so this doesn't count" kind of way. It was so funny to watch but so pathetic. One minute she would be with her girlfriends and she was fine. 2 minutes later a few cute guys would come over and suddenly it looked like she'd had 6 beers and a few shots. Lame.
Yesterday I took my mom and my younger sister to see "Hairspray". Such a good show! I had a good time.
I'm obsessed with ebay lately. I went on about a week and a half to try to find a rare movie for my husband and ended up bidding on 10 things for myself! Yikes! I won a bid on Christian Dior sunglasses. They're gauranteed authentic so we'll see how that turns out. I'm returning those mofos if they aren't the real deal.
Saturday, April 2, 2005
10:47AM
I'm come from an Italian family and the majority of my family is Catholic. My immediately family isn't as devout as some of my other realitives, but I was raised in a Catholic household and Pope John Paul II is the only Pope Catholics of my age have ever known.
I really wasn't expecting to feel anything when he first became sick. I knew he'd be passing on soon and I didn't think it would bother me mostly because I'm not very religious and haven't been a huge fan of the Catholic church recently (with the Priest molestation outbreaks and the gay intolerance). But I am feeling something. It's not really sadness. Don't get me wrong, death is sad and the Pope is a good man who has done many wonderful things and has given a lot of hope to people. I'm having that "I need to do something more with myself" feeling.
I consider myself a good person, but I just feel like I need to be doing something more with myself and my life. Volunteering or something. I just need to feel like I mean something. Does that even make sense? I don't know. I'm going through an odd introspective phase at the moment. My husband is really enjoying my late night revelations. LOL
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
3:50PM
I'm a little upset to find out someone on my friend's list was a fake. I'm not on here a lot and don't have many on my list but faking is lame. This is a journal. You have to be really insecure to fake on a journal. It takes all kinds.
It looks like Terri Shiavo doesn't have much more time. That poor woman. But really who would want to live that way? Even if she isn't as brain damaged as they say she is, does it really matter? I wouldn't want to spend my life in that condition. I do feel sorry for her family. It must be incredibly difficult to see someone you love in that condition. It must be hard to watch them die and know there isn't anything more you can do for them. I feel sorry for her husband too. He's catching alot of heat for his decisions, but ultimately you have to respect them. They're married and he is her guardian. You can't take that away just because you don't like the choices he's making. Married is married.
I just hope she's not feeling any pain. Starvation is a pretty horrible way to go.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
12:05AM
I was supposed to call Jennifer about having Isabella for a few hours on the 10th a few days ago. I just don't want to get into some big thing with her. I don't want to hear anything she has to say and I have no idea why I need to call her to begin with. UGH! Whatever! This whole thing is just such a mess. I'm glad I said everything I said and I'm glad I took a step back, but the aftermath is just a nightmare.
I NEED A JOB! I'm tired of my own whinning.
I love Jared so much. I think about that typical question "How did you know he was THE ONE?". It wasn't some beautiful, romantic moment. I rarely think think it is for anyone. Life is much more real than that. For me, it was just not getting bored. In past relationships I've always been bored easily. I get tired of guys and end it. But with Jared, I never got bored. I never wanted out. Even though it's not the most exciting thing all the time, and what relationship is?, but I love him and he makes me laugh. That's all that really matters. All of that other stuff is just ridiculous crap.
Monday, November 29, 2004
12:15AM
It's been awhile since I've posted anything here. I guess I didn't feel like I had much to say. Now I've realized I need some sort of outlet. My poor husband has endured enough already and maybe typing things out will give me some sort of peace.
I don't know if anyone reads this thing, either way is fine by me. I just wanted to let whoever know that I'll be writing random things about random people with no explaination as to who they are, background or anything like that. So it might be a little confusing. This is going to be an actual journal for me. Not really something that makes for an entertaining read for others.
Dad apologized. He said everything I've been waiting for him to say for the past 5 months. It's bitter sweet I guess. I feel a little better but I'm still hurt. I don't want to slip back into the old pattern. I can't take any more bombshells or surprises. I want to get back to some form of normalcy.
I will never forgive Jennifer. Her email was ridiculous and cruel. I can't believe she would harbor those kinds of feelings. The part about Jared was particularly upsetting. That's the one thing I'll never be able to look past. How dare she critique my marriage when hers was falling apart. She's hardly the relationship guru and she knows nothing about my marriage. What a bitch!!!
I haven't spoken to Maria in awhile. She comes off as such a snotty bitch sometimes. Her emails were incredibly condesending. I don't need some 18 year old telling me about the wrong choices I've made regarding a family she's known for all of 5 months.
I need to find a job. I feel so bad knowing Jared is footing the bills all on his own. But I hate working and it seems like no place will hire me. I've sent in a million applications and nothing. I feel like such a freeloader. I know next year we're going to have so many bills to pay and it scares me to think how we'll manage if I still can't find a job by then.
I worry alot. About different things. Sometimes I get so stupidly emotional and just cry. I don't want Jared to see that. I'm supposed to be the strong one and I want him to think that everything will be ok. I'm the positive one in this relationship. I don't want to bring him down because I worry too much
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